~On Goblins~

(A Brief Introduction)

As one of the more highly enlightened individuals on the subject, I have taken it upon myself to properly educate you, oh, general public, on the seemingly nonsensical (yet most amusing) world of goblinry.

First and foremost, you should know that I am not alone. There are several of us (along the order of 30 or so) who've devoted some time to uncovering this clever little world. I have only directly met 3 of them (experts, not goblins), being that the majority live in unimaginably far away places (do not bother imagining, you really won't come close).

All of this to say...
* There are other opinions, dear reader, and I am not the End All - Be All Great Goblin Expert of the Goblin World. It is right and fair that you should read this alongside the other great goblin literature, and form your own well-rounded opinion about goblins and their curious affairs.*

Now, with all of that silly mess out of the way, let's get down to business.

Nonsense is the backbone of goblin culture. Each day in their world represents a billion tireless little efforts to attain that paradise of perpetual disarray and hooliganism. But, how do they farm food to eat?? What domicile, then, do they sleep in at night?? How, for Pete's sake, do they form healthy relationships, marry, and propogate??

These are all very reasonable questions.

To understand the goblin world only requires a simple change in perspective! Very briefly: what makes little sense to us makes all of the sense in the world to a goblin, and vice versa.

Let me demonstrate. Consider the very next absurd notion that runs through your head.

(Sample absurd notions are as follows:
-> Drink spilling
-> Food throwing
-> Hair pulling
-> Cat kicking
-> Curtain lighting)

For the average goblin, all of those is as intuitive as "What a lovely day, a good and healthy walk will help to clear my senses", or "Hmm, I am famished. I suppose it's time I fixed myself a nice salad", and so on, and so forth.

Such is the nature of the goblin world.

Such is also why goblins are infatuated with our human children, and why they are always trying to kidnap them and turn them into their goblin kings (It happened to this kid I knew. They made him grow a tail and wear a crown. He escaped and has to sit leaning to one side.)

~Goblin Language~
Goblins speak in garble. It follows our explanation from above to say that we can't understand them, nor can they understand us.

However:

By what most deem severe coincidence, our sleep talk happens to be an EXACT form of the purest goblin language. So much so, in fact, that not only does Ralph Ferguson (lifelong sleeptalker of Chester, Wy... also our example) unknowingly sleep-speak perfect goblin, he rattles off new and profound goblin truths! The greatest goblin philosophes are known for frequent gatherings around human sleep talkers.

Contrariwise, were we to ever come across some careless goblin mid-slumber in the wide open, it is likely that we would hear such profundities as would put Newton, Des Cartes, Plato, and all the rest of them to utter shame.